Reborn's Rape Protection Program
by ReaperofDarkness
Summary: "Don't look down at the ground or creeps will think they can jump you. Also, if someone offers you candy and you don't know them, don't take it. And don't look so rapable and ukeish all the time, Dame-Tsuna," OOC, semi-crack...?
1. Chapter 1

**Reaper: **So I was talking to my cute little friend, and she was telling me about how her grandmother gave her a talk about rape and stuff. She actually used the exact same words Reborn uses for the first few lines he speaks~. Yep. So as she was explaining this I was like 'so basically you just can't be Tsuna' and BAM, PLOT BUNNY GAVE BIRTH~!

You may notice that the OC of this story, Ricky, has a slight change every time he is mentioned. I won't say what this change is, but hopefully you find it funny.

PURE CRACK. Hopefully...I was trying to go for something off the wall and not so serious, but going for a good laugh...though rape is not a laughing matter. ANYWAYS.

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING, yo. ONLY THE OC.**

"Don't look down at the ground or creeps will think they can jump you. Also, if someone offers you candy and you don't know them, don't take it. And don't look so rapable and ukeish all the time, Dame-Tsuna, or you'll end up on the news as being this week's rape victim," Reborn explained and pointed his gun to Tsuna, who paled.

Why the hell was he being told all this?

"And remember, if someone grabs you, fight back," Reborn continued, pacing back and forth as if he were giving an important life lesson.

Oh wait, he was. I think….

Mukuro and Chrome were in the back of the empty classroom, trying desperately to not let out their held-in laughs. Gokudera was writing down notes furiously. Why? Who knows? Yamamoto was sitting on the other side of Tsuna, looking at Tsuna who looked as horrified as a child who had walked in on their parents….wrestling…..

Ryohei was zoning out, taking an interest in watching Lambo munch on his mountain of teeth decaying sweets. Hibari was glaring at the back of Tsuna's head, annoyed that he had to sit through this lecture of 'kidnappings' and 'rape prevention'.

"And last but not least, if someone tries to force you to the floor, yell that you are the Tenth boss of the Vongola Mafia," Reborn concluded and Tsuna's forehead became extremely familiar with the desktop. He gave a groan and stood from his seat, glaring at Reborn.

"I am going to the restroom. ALONE," he added as he saw Yamamoto and Gokudera move to follow him. He gave one last glare before storming out of the classroom, annoyed.

He stalked down the hallways, a dark cloud of irritation swirling above his head. His fists were clenched and he felt the need to smash his head into a metal pole repeatedly.

What the hell was Reborn thinking, giving Tsuna (who happened to be 14 or 15) a lecture on RAPE? He was a grown man! A man who could take care of himself, god dammit!

He moved out of the building, deciding to get some fresh air. That or a head start for his mad dash away from the hell called 'Reborn's rape-protection program'. What the hell? Seriously, what the hell? He flew, almost tripping as he scrambled towards the exit of the school grounds.

Almost there.

Just a few more feet.

He could almost place a hand on the brick wall of the building's fence!

And he made it! Tsuna gave a sharp turn, ready to run down the streets that lead to his.

Only to crash into the chest of some stranger.

Oh mother fu-

"I so sorry!" A man, his broken Japanese more noticeable than I-Pin's, apologized as he helped Tsuna up from the ground. Tsuna gave a charming smile, not seeing the flash of lust flash through the man's eyes.

"A-ano….y-you lost?" Tsuna squeaked out in what he hoped was English. Damn him and his failing grades. The man brightened up, pleased that the boy spoke English, even if it was as broken as his Japanese.

"Yes! H-help, yes?" The man asked with a hopeful tone that even Tsuna couldn't find harmful.

"Sure! A-ah….you-you know where go place?" Tsuna stumbled, inwardly cursing his poor grades and attention span to not remember the English Reborn had forced him to learn. Dammit, stupid Spartan Baby. Making him learn English only to have it switched to Spanish the next minute. Literally.

"Yes! C-come!" The man spoke with a jittery tone, grabbing Tsuna's hand. He pulled the young boy away from the school, neither of the two noticing how about 9 pairs of eyes glared at the foreign man.

**LINEBREAKOFUKKKKKKKKKE**

Tsuna blinked, his instincts as well as his mind screamed that something was not right. Something was not right indeed.

"U-uh, e-excuse-HIIIII!" Tsuna gave a squeal of alarm and fear as the man suddenly flung the boy into a nearby alley, effectively swinging the boy into a brick wall. Ouch.

Tsuna fell to his knees, the world spinning as the man stood above him, a rope suddenly in his hands.

"Ehehehehe. Did you think I didn't know Japanese, little cutie? Japanese is a very easy language for me to learn, sweetie. Now, just stay still," the man slurred in a tone of lust and greed. Tsuna froze, thinking over Reborn's talk.

They grab, you fight back.

Tsuna did the first thing that came to his mind. He kicked the man where the sun-don't-shine. The man doubled over, allowing Tsuna to scramble to his feet and run the opposite direction of the dangerous male, only to cry out in pain when he felt something tug his hair back. He was slammed into the floor, the man straddling his hips with a deranged look in his eyes

"I'm Ricky Rape-a-woman. I'm an internationally wanted criminal for my multiple rape cases which have yet to be closed because I have yet to be caught," the man spoke in a tone of insanity, the rope moving to bind Tsuna's wrists together. Tsuna gave a gasp of panic, wigging and moving around as much as possible to get the man off him.

No such luck.

"RAPE! RAPE!" Tsuna screamed at the top of his lungs, only to have his mouth covered by a piece of duck tape.

Silence is golden.

Duck tape is silver.

Tsuna felt beads treading down his cheeks as he saw Ricky-what's-his-name move a hand to his pants. Suddenly the man was thrown off him and a pair of arms encircled the shaking boy.

Holy sugar muffins.

"Kufufufu. It seems you were touching MY property," Mukuro laughed as he stood in front of Tsuna, who was being held by Ryohei. Gokudera and Yamamoto stood at the end of the other exit of the alley way, looks of pure murder on their faces. Hibari stepped closer to the man, a blood-stained tonfa raised.

All of his Guardians turned to stare at Tsuna, who was shaking and crying, his hands bound, his mouth duck taped, and his clothes dirty.

A bubble of blood-lust drowned their senses and they all moved closer to the man, only to be stopped by a gun shot.

"We are from the strongest Italian Mafia ever to be heard of. We are from the Vongola Mafia, and you, dumbass, you just assault and almost raped the Tenth boss," Reborn hissed out darkly before everyone saw a shadow of the Devil himself swirl beside Reborn.

Ricky-la-vida-loca backed up, holding his bleeding forehead in pain as his face paled.

"You will now learn why you shouldn't have even LOOKED at that boy," Reborn spoke as a red tint gleamed in his eyes and all Ricky-Vicky saw next was eternal darkness.

No, just kidding. He saw a gun being pointed at him before he passed out. He later woke up in a Vongola built prison, where he'd later be passed to the international guards.

Meanwhile, Tsuna was now at his house, his arms free, his mouth clear of any tape, and all squeaky clean. He was curled up in his bed, still shaking as Nana ushered all of his friends out.

Nana moved and sat down next to the shaking form of her son, a look of pure protectiveness and love overflowing in her gaze.

"O-okaa-san," Tsuna stuttered as he moved to lay his head on Nana's lap. Nana hummed as she moved a hand to brush some of Tsuna's brunette locks.

"I-I wish I didn't take after you in looks," Tuna muttered grimly and Nana could only stare at her son with a knowing pain.

Ah, the curse of female beauty was unwanted to those who wished to stay pure.

…..

He really should have been paying attention to Reborn's 'rape-protection-program' speech.


	2. Chapter 2

**Reaper: **LE GASP~ ANOTHER CHAPTER? OMG! Yes, because so many people liked this and asked for either a sequel or another chapter, I decided to make one. Here you are. I hope you are happy. This is pure crack and randomness and have no pairings (maybe hints).

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING BUT THE IDEA...SOMEWHAT...**

"So, have we all learned that when I give you a lesson, you'll listen to it? Or would you rather it end up like with that Ricky Marten wanna-be?" Reborn asked as they were in the empty yet again a week later. Tsuna shuttered at the memory.

Reborn gave a smirk. "Though, I could totally see Tsuna being the new mascot for the Vocaloid song **Onii Yuukia (**_**1)**_," Reborn explained and Tsuna face faulted, his head smashing into the desk once again. He had a habit of doing that whenever Reborn spoke, didn't he?

"I didn't think so. Here are a few new tips," Reborn stated and Gokudera instantly whipped out his notepad, ready to copy down notes like the secret NERD he was.

**(Insert the Dragonball Z Abridged Piccolo 'NEEEEEEEERD' voice)**

Reborn smirked, writing down the words 'Uke Protection' on the board. Tsuna sweat dropped. Wait a second, why the honey-sugar muffins where Basil and Fran here? On second thought, why was FRAN here? He should be in the future!

"I have gathered the KHR Uke characters," Reborn spoke in a serious voice and all three boys couldn't help but stare at Reborn with a W-T-F expression.

"A-ano, Reborn….there are clearly more Uke characters in Reborn than-I'LL SHUT UP!" Tsuna squealed when Leon changed into a rather sharp looking butcher knife. Like something out of Higurashi no Naka Koro Ni. _**(2)**_

"Why am I here? How the hell did you find my present self to hit me with the 10 Year Bazooka and why am I still here even after 5 minutes as passed? (_**3)**_" Fran asked in a bored tone as he placed his hand in the palm of his hand, his frog hat sliding to the side slightly. Reborn turned to him.

"Because I'm Reborn, bitch. Now, today's lesson will explain what you do, and don't do in a situation of rape and or kidnapping," Reborn spoke and turned a pointed glare to Tsuna, who jumped in his seat. Gokudera snorted, while he and the rest of the Guardians were seated in the back of the room, away from the three Ukes.

"When in a situation of rape or kidnap, you DON'T follow a person into a car or a darkened hallway when they offer you candy and a life-time supply of Yaoi manga. You DO run like hell or show off your assassination abilities," Reborn explained as he made notes on the board. Tsuna sweat dropped.

W-what?

"If someone comes at you with the intention of raping you, you either A) Use some sort of illusion to mentally scar him to the point where he is in a mental institution eating his own feces. _**(4)**_ B) Yell that you know kung-fu since you are Asian. C) Yell that you are personal friends with Chuck Norris. D) Yell that you are really a cross-dressing girl because you love Degrassi so much you decide to take after their one Transgender character, Adam. Or E) Scream that you have assassins as friends and you are really a modern day ninja that could kill him in a second. Any questions so far?" Reborn asked and Tsuna just stared.

He stared, not knowing what to say. Seriously, what that fuck….?

"A-ano…Reborn-dono, are thou serious?" Basil, talking in his Shakespeare-wanna-be voice, asked with a cute blush. Mukuro almost got a nose-bleed.

"MUKURO! Clean up that nose, you perverted pineapple. You disgust me. And Basil, I am one hundred percent serious. Moving on," Reborn spoke and Tsuna smashed his head into the desk again. What was becoming of the world when even the most serious topic of society got out of hand and insane?

Reborn, that's what.

"Now on the other hand, if they are just trying to kidnap you, you have these options. A) Run like hell. B) Yell something like 'LOOK, A FLYING COW' or 'IT'S PRINCESS TUTU!' _**(5)**_ C) If they are a man you kick them in the groin, and if they are a woman, well…..you just throw them the latest copy of Naruto. D) Become a total Seme and scare the hell out of your kidnapper, since they obviously are in Pedobear mode and are not looking for a Seme," Reborn explained and Fran turned to stare at Tsuna as if asking 'are-you-kidding-me?'

"Tsuna, you have any questions?" Reborn asked and Tsuna nodded slowly.

"What if none of that works?" All three Ukes asked together, a question that was on everyone's mind.

"Well then, you are screwed. But since Basil and Fran can take care of themselves, they have no worries. You on the other hand….are a different situation. As we saw last week, you are completely rapable and easily knocked down to the ground," Reborn spoke with a sadistic tone, making Tsuna shiver.

"You will most possibly have to yell out that you are the Vongola Mafia boss…..since you didn't last time, I didn't get to see what reaction it cause. But then again….anyone would go Pedobear for you and so their senses of thought and sanity would be long gone out the window….Gokudera, you have any suggestions?" Reborn asked and Gokudera snapped his head up from his notes.

"U-uh….no offense Jyuudaime, but maybe you could get stronger and not so….Ukeish. I mean, from what that Shouchi guy said in the future, you were a pimp/seme," Gokudera explained and Tsuna's jaw dropped, unable to comprehend that his friend just told him that.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

"Yeah Tsuna! Grow a back bone or get laid. Then you won't get kidnapped or raped," Yamamoto joined in with a thumbs up. Tsuna groaned and hid his face in his hands, shaking his head as he cursed the Gods above him.

Someone, preferably not Reborn, shoot him!

"So, as I was saying….Basil, pay attention!" Reborn snapped, seeing the boy looking out the window. Fran snorted, finally fed up with this little lesson, and stood from his seat.

"That's it. I have to get back to the future before that stupid fake-prince messes with my younger self….I don't want to come back here and find myself bleeding from multiple stab wounds," Fran spoke before a puff of smoke filled the room and a younger version of Fran sat there, his bored expression in place. He walked out the door without a word and left everyone to stare at him before Bail got up from his seat and chased the future Frog boy out of the building.

"Thank Kami-sama," Tsuna silently prayed as he saw that now they couldn't continue their talk. Reborn gave a smirk.

"You're lucky. We're done….for today," Reborn spoke and Tsuna paled.

"U-uh Reborn...do you mind if I could go get a class of water or something?" Tsuna meekly asked as he stood up.

"I'll give you a glass of shut-the-hell-up**, _(6)_** " Reborn stated and kicked Tsuna in the head.

_**(1)**_ – Vocaloid song where Kaito is a Moe character and Rin, Miku (though she was more on the homicidal line) and Luka decide to either kidnap/rape/kill/torture Kaito to the song of Melt with their own lyrics. I recommend for a laugh.

_**(2)**_– Rena and her little knife is love~

_**(3)**_– I REALLY WANT FRAN TO SHOW UP. LIKE, NOW! He will probably not be in the Varia anymore so I wish for them to show him in the present. HELL, THEY ALREADY SHOWED SPANNER! D :

_**(4)**_– South Park. Cartman is taught to behave by the Dog Whisperer when Nanny 101 and those other Nanny shows didn't work.

_**(5)**_– Said in the anime of Princess Tutu. A classic line.

_**(6)**_- A line said from a Adam Sandler movie called 'Happy Gilmore'. A HILARIOUS MOVIE AND A HILAROUS LINE.


	3. Reborn's Christmas gift to you Oh God

**Reaper: **MERRY CHRISTMAS~! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! : D It is currently 1:35 and I am about to hit the hay. But before I do, I decided to post this up. I hope you all enjoy it. : D Think of it as a present from me.

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. NOTHING. **I made up the Old Spice Tsuna quote, but that's all.

"Today we have a special RRPP. It's a Holiday special~" Reborn spoke, appearing in a snowflake cosplay. Tsuna stared, his hot cocoa almost slipping from his hand at the sheer sight of the baby hitman.

"You've got to be kidding me," Tsuna groaned as his senses started to fuzz and his vision blackened.

"Never try this at home children: drugging a hot cocoa," Reborn's comment was the last thing Tsuna heard before he only saw black.

**X.x.X.x.X**

Waking up to find himself bound by ribbon, Tsuna was not a happy camper. Tsuna groaned and looked around, realizing he was in some sort of secret living room god-knows-where. He held back the impulse to slam his head repeatedly into the wall as Reborn stood there, in full adult form, only wearing a pair of white slacks, and some sort of tied button up shirt over his bear chest. He smirked.

"Hello Tsuna. Look at your surroundings, now back to me, now back to your surroundings. Sadly, this isn't your room, but if you agree to take part in this project of mine, I'll allow you to go back to your house. Look down, back up, what are you wearing? You are wearing a brown and pink _Sugarbunnies – Kurousa _character hoodie and pink leggings. What's on your head? Back at me. I know what it is, it is a white Christmas bow. Blush again, the bow is now decorated with glitter. Anything is possible when you are a mafia boss-to-be who happens to be a Uke and is also being trained by a demonic good-looking Spartan as well as being stalked by perverted, hormone raging teenagers. I'm holding a gun," Reborn spoke as he held a mirror up for Tsuna to stare at the bow in his hair.

Tsuna stared, continued to stare, before out of characteristically swearing every word known to man at Reborn, yelling about illegal kidnapping and _Old Spice _wanna-be-quotes.

Reborn lazily stared at him before shaking his head. He snapped his fingers, and with a squeal, Chrome tumbled out of no-where, wearing a white outfit matching Tsuna's.

"Hello Chrome," Reborn spoke coolly and Chrome and Tsuna feared he'd bust out into Old Spice quotes again. Reborn slipped his gun into his pocket and walked over, untying his trainee. Tsuna scrambled away from the anti-Christ and went to stand/kneel beside Chrome.

"I've kidnapped you two hear because it had come to the Authoress' attention that you two are her favorite characters, as well as two of the cutest characters in Reborn, as she had stated. Therefore, she demanded that I give a Christmas Special on what to do when you are drugged, kidnapped, and forced to wear adorable and rapable outfits while our kidnapper enjoys the looks of utter cuteness on your fearful little faces," Reborn laughed cruelly and Tsuna mentally damned God as well as the authoress.

Chrome blinked.

"R-Reborn-san, I'm not defenseless like Bossu," Chrome meekly stuttered, ignoring the "HEY!" Tsuna yelled out. Reborn smirked, tipping his hat.

"The newest chapter of Reborn says differently," he muttered.

"What?" Chrome and Tsuna asked blankly.

"Gay sex. Wait, what?" Reborn coolly changed the topic, much to the relief and fear of the two kidnapped.

"So, here's the first tip," Reborn spoke and a weird screen appeared, waiting for Reborn to talk. He cleared his throat and the screen changed so that AHEM was written on the screen. The two innocent, defenseless bunnies stared.

"When you are kidnapped and drugged, it is best to pretend you are unconscious for as long as you can. After all, only the sick, disgusting pedophiles like to take advantage of you when you are asleep. Most of the time they like you to be awake to do anything. Next, if they force you to wear some weird costume, or they had already dressed you in a weird costume, you try to play it cool and not anger/set them off in any way. Take Chrome for example. She didn't whine about her adorable outfit," Reborn sneered at Tsuna. Tsuna shivered.

"Also, if the kidnapper wants you to do anything, such as call him 'Master' or something, do so," Reborn growled out.

"E-eh! D-demon, Reborn-san, shouldn't you do the exact opposite?" Chrome asked cutely. Reborn turned to give her a blank, hell-freezing stare.

"Chrome, dear, what is this fanfiction called?" Reborn asked suddenly.

"R-Reborn's Rape Protection Program," Chrome stuttered out, clenching her overly large hoodie, which at least went to her thighs. Reborn nodded.

"And Chrome, _who's _Rape Protection Program?" Reborn asked again.

"Y-yours….." Chrome whispered softly like a child who had been scolded for wrong doing.

"That's what I thought," Reborn spoke and smirked as Chrome shrunk back. Tsuna stared in horror at the thought of Chrome bursting into tears from the rudeness and utter hell-like-terror their hitman gave off.

"So, Tsuna, what is this?" Reborn suddenly asked and held up a mistletoe. Tsuna blushed and stammered out his answer.

"Right. Now, say the Kidnapper wants to hang this up and then violently pulls the people his kidnapped under with him. You follow the rules," Reborn spoke and without so much as a huff, slung both Chrome and Tsuna over his shoulders. They both gave startled squeals and stiffened when they were set down underneath a mistletoe.

Reborn smirked.

"H-HOLD UP!" Gokudera appeared out of no where, wearing a Santa Claus hat.

"THIS WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" He roared as he paled, seeing Tsuna blushing and wearing the adorably oversized hoodie. His face blossomed a healthy red before he swayed, falling backwards. Yamamoto laughed as he too appeared out of no where, dragging Gokudera's body away.

Tsuna stared.

"Reborn…." Tsuna trailed off when Reborn looked over at them.

"This is stupid. Bye," the Tenth-Boss-To-Be then walked out of the room, seeing the secret door, pulling Chrome behind him. Reborn stared after the two, smirking as he saw the hidden cameras glinting in the light.

"Heh, Viper will love this Christmas present," the hitman smirked and left.


End file.
